Pilchards is his name…

I fell on Monday, two days ago.

I have fallen. Fallen to the bottom.

For those who know me, and for those who don’t know me [inside out], I did something out of character. I know and understand that God has forgiven me, but I fear that I have not realized quite the impact of what I did on myself. No, it is not meant to make much sense – I’m yet to come to terms with what happened on [the fateful] Monday night.

I held myself captive. I went to the places I should never have gone. I batted for the other team, and scored fours and sixes like they were going out of fashion. I am scared – I have wounds that will take time to heal. I put myself into a situation that I could not get out of no matter how hard I tried.
I prayed to Jesus. I was broken. I was crushed. I was incapable of crying. I was hurt beyond humanly possible. I was afraid for my life. I needed safety. I yearned for life.

I wanted to run to my friends, but it was two in the morning. I wanted to own-up and spill the beans to those that care for me. I tried to resist the urge to talk to my God.
I realized that the only person that could help me in my situation was standing right beside me.
I remembered Jesus and what He did for me, so that I could run to him when I could not find the love that I desperately needed; when I refused to accept that fact that I had been forgiven, yet again.

I lost control of my life, but I was too proud to take the reigns from sin and hand them over to Jesus. For weeks on end I have been handed the answer to life on a silver platter, but pride kept me from taking the [living] water. I hid my life from everyone by hiding behind the world.

Tenth Avenue North have a song that has been on my mind, actually their whole album has been convicting and revealing. Let me share those defining lyrics.

Let It Go

…

I’ve been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles they’ve gone white
From fighting for who I want to be
I’m just trying to find security

But you say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go

…

Sin had devoured me; Praise God for that!
Jesus held me. God had forgiven me.
I was reminded that I have a place in the kingdom of God

Oh how I never wish this to happen to another friend, a human like me.
Let me share that one single mistake I made; Back in the days when I had a serious accountable relationship with two of my closest friends, Jonathan Laubscher and Bruce Collins.
I did not mention that nagging itch; the bondage that really had me bound. That one small facet of my life that I didn’t think was even slightly worth of putting pressure upon – I thought it was one of those silly things that I need not worry about.
I also hid this from the people who I have allowed [and consider] to be my closest allies, my ‘real’ friends.

If you have an accountable relationship with a friend or two or three, I beg you to please never hold anything back from them. Not even that silly fact that you think is something that will go away.

I leave you with more lyrics from Tenth Avenue North’s Over & Underneath

Times

…

I hear You say
My love is over
It’s underneath
It’s inside
It’s in between

The times that you doubt me
When you can’t feel
The times that you question
Is this for real

The times you’re broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend

Well my love is over
It’s underneath
It’s inside
It’s in between

The times that you’re healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you’ve fallen from grace

The times you’re hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I’m there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I’m there through your heart-ache
I’m there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone

I don’t care where you’ve fallen or where you have been
I’ll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends, mmmm

…

Thanks go to the ministry of Tenth Avenue North